You’ve heard all these words before. Suck it up. Put on your big girl panties. Just deal with it.
None of it worked. You crashed. Not quite burned, but a definite crash.
Those of us who love you wonder if this is the time when you realize you’re at the bottom, and the only way out is to pull YOURSELF up.
I don’t think so.
You’re so used to being rescued. You’re so used to being cute and loveable on the outside while ripping yourself to shreds on the inside. Then, in a drunken stupor the shredded part comes out and shreds those who love you.
I’m going to share what finally worked for me. I want this to be the impetus to bring you to the reality that no one can fix you, and you have to fix yourself. Are my words going to work for you now? No, I don’t actually think so. But, maybe I’ll plant a seed that can grow in your darkness, and when you’re ready, you’ll see it.
First, you’ve got to stop dwelling on the past, on the why, and on your perceived guilt for not being perfect. Honey, you can’t change the past, no one knows why stuff happens, and none of us are perfect. I know, it sounds so simple, and I understand that you don’t believe me right now. We all make mistakes. We don’t blame you for being imperfect. It’s ok that you don’t believe me. Just save the thought for later.
Second, accept where you are. You’re getting divorced. You’re a young mother who is about to lose her son because you are a lousy parent. Your child is practically out of control at age five. You’re an alcoholic. You have no job and no real home. You are destroying the most recent relationship. You’ve tried blaming everyone else, but you have done this to yourself. Accept that. Harsh? Yessum. But face it. It’s true. Accepting the reality of that is essential in order to go to the next step.
Third, decide what to do now and where to go. My suggestion is a rehab facility. You’ve burned all your bridges with family and friends, so that’s really your only option. Not what you want to hear, I know. But making the decision to commit to treatment would be proof that you want to get better.
Fourth, get direction. Make a plan. Have a goal. You can’t even imagine a productive life right now, and I don’t expect you to. The steps prior to this one will enable you to accomplish this one. You'll find the right person or organization to help you when the time comes.
Fifth, Don’t Stop. Go back to step one as many times as necessary and work your way through them again and again. Expect stumbles on your journey, but keep going. Expect disappointments. Expect people to misunderstand you. Expect to cry. Expect to be angry. Expect joy in accomplishments. Expect to survive, to pick yourself up, and to become the smart and beautiful woman we know you can be.
With love,
Alice
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Pip, the emotion
I'm tired this evening, thanks to a psychological game being played in my head by the insurance company, pharmacy, and my doctor. Oh, you can add one of the prescription medication manufacturing companies to that as well.
As my grandmother would say, "It gives me the PIP!" The pip is an angry, disgusted, irritated, and moderately amorphous emotion. It is different from BEING a pip, which is quite a different thing all together. (I'll save that for another blog post.)
A month ago, the doctor wrote a prescription for Abilify to boost the Zoloft in order to get my anxiety and depression under control. When I went to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription, they told me the cost would be $200. I left the prescription there, saying I'd think about it. Two days of anxiety attacks prompted me to return to the pharmacy. When they ran it through the system, it came back as no charge. Zero dollars. I said let me have it and get out of the store before the computer changed its mind.
Time to renew arrived. They said $200 for generic or $1000 for name brand. I contacted the manufacturer and got a coupon. However, in order to fill the prescription this time (name brand rather than generic), the insurance company required a "Prior Authorization." Isn't it interesting that an existing prescription isn't, in and of itself, a prior authorization? It is written prior to being filled in order to authorize that medication. Darn, there I go being logical.
I called the pharmacy, and they sent the request for a PA to the doctor. Twice. I called the insurance company, and they said it had to be THEIR form. They faxed it THREE times. I called the doctor's office, and the nurse who takes medication related calls said that the doc said we had to "talk about it" before she'd authorize it.
I called the pharmacy back and said I'd pay whatever the charge was for the generic. They ran it through the system. I said I'll be there in thirty minutes. Got it and boogied out of the store.
Pip.
As my grandmother would say, "It gives me the PIP!" The pip is an angry, disgusted, irritated, and moderately amorphous emotion. It is different from BEING a pip, which is quite a different thing all together. (I'll save that for another blog post.)
A month ago, the doctor wrote a prescription for Abilify to boost the Zoloft in order to get my anxiety and depression under control. When I went to the pharmacy to pick up the prescription, they told me the cost would be $200. I left the prescription there, saying I'd think about it. Two days of anxiety attacks prompted me to return to the pharmacy. When they ran it through the system, it came back as no charge. Zero dollars. I said let me have it and get out of the store before the computer changed its mind.
Time to renew arrived. They said $200 for generic or $1000 for name brand. I contacted the manufacturer and got a coupon. However, in order to fill the prescription this time (name brand rather than generic), the insurance company required a "Prior Authorization." Isn't it interesting that an existing prescription isn't, in and of itself, a prior authorization? It is written prior to being filled in order to authorize that medication. Darn, there I go being logical.
I called the pharmacy, and they sent the request for a PA to the doctor. Twice. I called the insurance company, and they said it had to be THEIR form. They faxed it THREE times. I called the doctor's office, and the nurse who takes medication related calls said that the doc said we had to "talk about it" before she'd authorize it.
I called the pharmacy back and said I'd pay whatever the charge was for the generic. They ran it through the system. I said I'll be there in thirty minutes. Got it and boogied out of the store.
Pip.
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